waste

I’m getting sick of shows. Especially shows that pay the minium amount for the night and leaves me screwed and out of money for days on end. My will is nearly broken because of the lack of money. I have eaten only shitty pizza and runny eggs for the last 3 days and I would rather be at home miserable in a boring town with a few good friends, kimmi and my family than be here right now.

I’m in full blown panic about what I am going to do when I get home. I don’t have a job, any money, a place to live or any direction. I talked to kimmi at length about this tonight. I have to get back in school this fall. I’m going to hate it, I am going to have to crawl through a lot of shit, but I have to get something under my belt. I am scared to death about my future and what should be done.

I can’t belive myself and how I have screwed myself over. I should have stayed the course with school, I shouldn’t have fucked up with Purdue. I am so miserable and it’s ones fault but mine. I feel that I am at least a little ahead of people my age, I can admit that I have made these mistakes and know where I stand in life. Most people I know do not acknowledge, or worse, even know their short comings. My problem is following through on my promises and having the self esteem to tell myself that I can see it through. Short of going back to school I don’t have any other options besides military service and I don’t think that even they would take me.

I need to get myself checked out for some real psychological issues. I have no self esteem, no trust, no hope. I have tried to deal with these issues myself but I can’t grip it. I’m away from home I worry about what Kimmi is doing, even though I know she wouldn’t fuck around on me I still sit and panic. If someone doesn’t answer their phone I freak out and think that I’m being ignored. I hate that feeling, I hate feeling powerless.

I’m sick of my situation that I have put myself in again and again, but I just don’t know what or how to fix it. Someone needs to stand over me a with a fucking gun and scare me to death and ask me what I want to be and keep tabs on me. But no one is willing anymore, everyone has tried with me and I have fallen too many times.

I need a hand right now and I look up get dirt kicked in my eyes and hit again. I deserve it, dont think that I dont know that.