Almost way too much has happened for me to begin to explain. I took a hiatus from this because, honestly, I had to hide. I am back and going to try to put the truth and wisdom I once held.
It's 11:19.
I failed to inform you of the changes in my life. As you know I moved to Los Angeles at the end of July. Since moving here I have been employed by True Tattoo in Hollywood. I got the job out of pure luck and persistence. After being here for 6 days I had the gig. Everyday working there was like being in middle school again. I was akward, quiet, embarrassed, confused. Like being thrown into a pit of bullies that have all the tools to being you down. It wasn't all bad. The money was good and the experience was better. The first few weeks was a test of my commitment to the shop and whether or not I could hack it. After the guys realized that I could take shit and keep rolling they took me under their wing. I have never had an older sibling. The guys at the shop were like that to me. They beat me up and made fun of me, but at the end of the day they held me up and dusted me off, put money in my hand and patted me on the back. Too bad I got fired for some bullshit two weeks ago. Without getting into the details I'll just say it was totally FUBAR. The guys were even suprised when it happened. I'm not banished from the shop or anything, but I don't have that nice cash income anymore which brings me to my present situation. BROKE AND DRIFTING.
I have been on the hunt for a full time gig since arriving here. The shop gave me a cushion that coasted me along but now that I don't even have money to eat or pay my share of bills it feels really shitty. I am far away from anything that could bail me out or help me make some quick money. So I apply for jobs, and more jobs, then some more. I hear back from about 4% of these jobs. It's very discouraging but I rage on non-the-less.
What did I come out here for? It's been two months and I'm not really sure what I'm doing here yet. I miss home, I miss Kimmi, I miss my family and my friends. I miss having that security, even if it is in a small shallow pond. I can say the things that I have learned out here so far is that I cannot quit. I cannot stop myself from trying. I have to keep pressing to find a job I enjoy that will lead to a better life and career. I can also tell you that I will not be a lifer in this Babylon.
I want to sweep you off your feet. Nothing I say can make the pain go away from what I did. But I'm going to do you right and have some porch time.
It's not fall in LA, but I can feel it in my heart.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
12 days
In twelve days i'll offically be a resident of burbank california.
phew, i'm honestly really scared.
phew, i'm honestly really scared.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
18 minutes to sunrise
ok, i have 18 minutes of battery and im going to slur thoughts down.
im sitting at a show in romeo michigan, it's loud, empty and boring. the tour so far with knights is awesome. all the bands are hella sweet and they are all super positive about what we are doing. the shows havn't had the best turn outs yet, but the midwest sucks so we will have to see what happens as we get further south, then west. things with the band have been better since i dont show any emotion towards them. i just shine it on and hope they back off a bit. i think that is probably my best approch. I made some money last night off merch, that was a huge moral builder. we stayed in a hotel halfway between the show last night and tonights show. i fell asleep in the van and was woken up at 9am by the locks on the door going apeshit. the electical in the van is starting to have serious issues. i stumbled to the room and was without a pillow or blanket and so i was on the floor with shorts and sleeveless shirt. it was a cold night. i didnt sleep much at all. i would wake up every hour or so. around 11 i decided to just shower and get up. it felt good to just lay around the hotel all day. knights was in the room next to us so it was just a hangout all day.
single now. im not sure how to feel either. i miss her but i dont miss the way i was behaving. i was torturing myself for no reason. i have to control that behavior and grow up. i really have no interest in dating or fucking around with anyone. i'm really just enjoying being on the road and hanging with dudes. i could use some alone time for sure, but this is what it is for now and i am content. I want kimmi to stay in my life. she is far too fucking important to not have around. she knows me better than anyone and i know i can still call her and talk. i am not doing anything differently with her. i still tell her i love her and that i want to see her. all very true. im just not acting like a luntic wondering what she is doing at home because i know she is not going to lie to me. i know that if there was another guy she would tell me. i just really hope that there isn't.
13minutes
i am unsure what is going to happen at the end of this tour. i want to stay on the road for as long as i can. i want to keep moving up through different bands till i land something that is substantial that will gain me contacts and help me get the ball rolling on some of my ideas. i just have to network, thats really the name of the game. it's all about who you know and how hard you're willing to work to get there. the sacrifices you're willing to make to pursue what you want. (i dont think im sacrificing kimmi, we just needed the space)
let's hope i can keep up with this a little better, i haven't been able to get internet for the last 3 days and i was just lazy when i was home.
im sitting at a show in romeo michigan, it's loud, empty and boring. the tour so far with knights is awesome. all the bands are hella sweet and they are all super positive about what we are doing. the shows havn't had the best turn outs yet, but the midwest sucks so we will have to see what happens as we get further south, then west. things with the band have been better since i dont show any emotion towards them. i just shine it on and hope they back off a bit. i think that is probably my best approch. I made some money last night off merch, that was a huge moral builder. we stayed in a hotel halfway between the show last night and tonights show. i fell asleep in the van and was woken up at 9am by the locks on the door going apeshit. the electical in the van is starting to have serious issues. i stumbled to the room and was without a pillow or blanket and so i was on the floor with shorts and sleeveless shirt. it was a cold night. i didnt sleep much at all. i would wake up every hour or so. around 11 i decided to just shower and get up. it felt good to just lay around the hotel all day. knights was in the room next to us so it was just a hangout all day.
single now. im not sure how to feel either. i miss her but i dont miss the way i was behaving. i was torturing myself for no reason. i have to control that behavior and grow up. i really have no interest in dating or fucking around with anyone. i'm really just enjoying being on the road and hanging with dudes. i could use some alone time for sure, but this is what it is for now and i am content. I want kimmi to stay in my life. she is far too fucking important to not have around. she knows me better than anyone and i know i can still call her and talk. i am not doing anything differently with her. i still tell her i love her and that i want to see her. all very true. im just not acting like a luntic wondering what she is doing at home because i know she is not going to lie to me. i know that if there was another guy she would tell me. i just really hope that there isn't.
13minutes
i am unsure what is going to happen at the end of this tour. i want to stay on the road for as long as i can. i want to keep moving up through different bands till i land something that is substantial that will gain me contacts and help me get the ball rolling on some of my ideas. i just have to network, thats really the name of the game. it's all about who you know and how hard you're willing to work to get there. the sacrifices you're willing to make to pursue what you want. (i dont think im sacrificing kimmi, we just needed the space)
let's hope i can keep up with this a little better, i haven't been able to get internet for the last 3 days and i was just lazy when i was home.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Waiting
Greetings from the middle of no where Pennsylvania.
We had been feeling vibrations and a lot of noise emanating from the right front wheel. Turns out we blew the bearings. We stopped a few hours north of Pittsburgh and set to try and fix it ourselves. After we spent all the time getting the wheel off, buying parts, and trying to break the calipers. We found that a few bolts were either too rusted or stripped down to come off. We ended up staying with a mechanic named Don and he was a big help. Today we are getting everything fixed and heading to Vermont. All this van trouble stressed me the fuck out. It strained everyone in the band and put us on edge with one another. It also cost us a show, which means money lost. It's all a pain right now.
I have started keeping a journal. I would like to think of this as a journal, but I am in a van most hours of the day and by the time I get to my computer the thoughts I had, have escaped me. It's been helpful for a few reasons. I can remember my day a lot more, I can write about what is going on inside of my head, which is a mess most of the time anyway. I don't know how much from my journal will make it in here, but I'm sure I'll put some stuff in.
Kimmi and I hit a snag two days ago when she found out about a girl I was with when we were apart. I know it pissed her off but there is nothing I can do. I feel really foolish for not telling her, but then again, we were not together. She did the same thing with Ben, and maybe making her feel so bad about it was not the best move. But I felt at the time that I was putting everything on the line for her and she spit in my face. None of that matters anymore though. There is nothing we can do about the past but learn from it. I don't want to do any back peddling on our progress.
The distance is working for the most part. But since she went to Indy to hang with Aub she has made no time to call me. I am so fucking sick of it being me to call or text. I feel like if she isn't thinking about me than she doesn't want to be with me. I don't want to believe that is true. This is my internal fight all the time. I need constant attention and I'm sorry if that is selfish, but until I get home and start seeing a theripist I don't have any other coping mechanisim. I will be honest and say that I have been drinking more in the evening than I normally do. I really don't have a better way to sleep. I mean, come on, I'm away from home, I miss my girlfriend, I miss my family and friends. I feel disconnected and that people are forgetting (or worse) happy that I am gone. I don't know because I am not there. No one calls me, no one makes the effort to contact me.
I really have huge self esteem issues. That is a monster all to itself. I don't know how to compensate for it and I take it out on those around me. I don't like people challenging my ego or my choices. That is a huge problem. I know I need to change but I lack the devices to do so. I need to work on all these things but man, I really don't know what to do.
We had been feeling vibrations and a lot of noise emanating from the right front wheel. Turns out we blew the bearings. We stopped a few hours north of Pittsburgh and set to try and fix it ourselves. After we spent all the time getting the wheel off, buying parts, and trying to break the calipers. We found that a few bolts were either too rusted or stripped down to come off. We ended up staying with a mechanic named Don and he was a big help. Today we are getting everything fixed and heading to Vermont. All this van trouble stressed me the fuck out. It strained everyone in the band and put us on edge with one another. It also cost us a show, which means money lost. It's all a pain right now.
I have started keeping a journal. I would like to think of this as a journal, but I am in a van most hours of the day and by the time I get to my computer the thoughts I had, have escaped me. It's been helpful for a few reasons. I can remember my day a lot more, I can write about what is going on inside of my head, which is a mess most of the time anyway. I don't know how much from my journal will make it in here, but I'm sure I'll put some stuff in.
Kimmi and I hit a snag two days ago when she found out about a girl I was with when we were apart. I know it pissed her off but there is nothing I can do. I feel really foolish for not telling her, but then again, we were not together. She did the same thing with Ben, and maybe making her feel so bad about it was not the best move. But I felt at the time that I was putting everything on the line for her and she spit in my face. None of that matters anymore though. There is nothing we can do about the past but learn from it. I don't want to do any back peddling on our progress.
The distance is working for the most part. But since she went to Indy to hang with Aub she has made no time to call me. I am so fucking sick of it being me to call or text. I feel like if she isn't thinking about me than she doesn't want to be with me. I don't want to believe that is true. This is my internal fight all the time. I need constant attention and I'm sorry if that is selfish, but until I get home and start seeing a theripist I don't have any other coping mechanisim. I will be honest and say that I have been drinking more in the evening than I normally do. I really don't have a better way to sleep. I mean, come on, I'm away from home, I miss my girlfriend, I miss my family and friends. I feel disconnected and that people are forgetting (or worse) happy that I am gone. I don't know because I am not there. No one calls me, no one makes the effort to contact me.
I really have huge self esteem issues. That is a monster all to itself. I don't know how to compensate for it and I take it out on those around me. I don't like people challenging my ego or my choices. That is a huge problem. I know I need to change but I lack the devices to do so. I need to work on all these things but man, I really don't know what to do.
Monday, June 1, 2009
waste
I’m getting sick of shows. Especially shows that pay the minium amount for the night and leaves me screwed and out of money for days on end. My will is nearly broken because of the lack of money. I have eaten only shitty pizza and runny eggs for the last 3 days and I would rather be at home miserable in a boring town with a few good friends, kimmi and my family than be here right now.
I’m in full blown panic about what I am going to do when I get home. I don’t have a job, any money, a place to live or any direction. I talked to kimmi at length about this tonight. I have to get back in school this fall. I’m going to hate it, I am going to have to crawl through a lot of shit, but I have to get something under my belt. I am scared to death about my future and what should be done.
I can’t belive myself and how I have screwed myself over. I should have stayed the course with school, I shouldn’t have fucked up with Purdue. I am so miserable and it’s ones fault but mine. I feel that I am at least a little ahead of people my age, I can admit that I have made these mistakes and know where I stand in life. Most people I know do not acknowledge, or worse, even know their short comings. My problem is following through on my promises and having the self esteem to tell myself that I can see it through. Short of going back to school I don’t have any other options besides military service and I don’t think that even they would take me.
I need to get myself checked out for some real psychological issues. I have no self esteem, no trust, no hope. I have tried to deal with these issues myself but I can’t grip it. I’m away from home I worry about what Kimmi is doing, even though I know she wouldn’t fuck around on me I still sit and panic. If someone doesn’t answer their phone I freak out and think that I’m being ignored. I hate that feeling, I hate feeling powerless.
I’m sick of my situation that I have put myself in again and again, but I just don’t know what or how to fix it. Someone needs to stand over me a with a fucking gun and scare me to death and ask me what I want to be and keep tabs on me. But no one is willing anymore, everyone has tried with me and I have fallen too many times.
I need a hand right now and I look up get dirt kicked in my eyes and hit again. I deserve it, dont think that I dont know that.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Washington, DC
We got into DC yesterday. It's pretty amazing how little I remember about this place from when I came here in middle school. It seems like that was almost a meaningless trip. I think that a journey to DC is far more enjoyable as an adult than it was as a kid. I really have a bigger appreciation for what is going on in this city. It sorta blows my mind that the White House is so close to the Treasury and Congress is only a few blocks away and none of these people can get together to resolve a fucking thing.
Still, this city is beautiful.
We play 40 miles south of DC tonight in Fredricksburg. I'm not sure what kind of city it is, but we are in one of the most history rich parts of this country, so I'm trying to see some.
Today, I'm going to hold you out a bit and see if you freak out like I have for the last few days
Friday, May 29, 2009
Sorry I have been kinda bad about reposting stuff on here. Yesterday we arrived in Pittsburgh a day early so the band could meet up with friends and party. Katrina cut my hair and it feels good to not have a mop on my dome anymore. I had a great time with the Pittsburgh crew. Made us loads of food and bought beer stayed up, smoked us out and blasted music until the wee hours of the morning.I miss her, more and more. But I feel that our bond is growning and I'm able to let up on the crazieness I can enstil on her. Our conversations have become more positive and we have found more to talk about. I knew this seperation would do us good and teach us to communicate. I have realized already how important this relationship is. She is my backbone everyday. She gives me hope when I have lost it, she keeps me balanced and centered and I think about her everyday. I hope that she doesn't grow weary at home and is able to stay positive and hopeful that this is the right thing to do.
Being on the road for a day has not really shown me the down side yet. So far everyone is having a really good time. I know that after a few weeks of one another we will be sick of little things. But so long as we are given at least a warm meal and a soft place to lay, we will be fine.Here are some more pictures of the last few days. Oh and by the way, if you tweet, follow us!
@nobreaksever -me
@Analyst_vox -James
@mikebradberry
@Btabe
@alexwilkinson
party pittsburgh
Driving to Rochester
Home sweet Home
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