Tuesday, June 23, 2009
im sitting at a show in romeo michigan, it's loud, empty and boring. the tour so far with knights is awesome. all the bands are hella sweet and they are all super positive about what we are doing. the shows havn't had the best turn outs yet, but the midwest sucks so we will have to see what happens as we get further south, then west. things with the band have been better since i dont show any emotion towards them. i just shine it on and hope they back off a bit. i think that is probably my best approch. I made some money last night off merch, that was a huge moral builder. we stayed in a hotel halfway between the show last night and tonights show. i fell asleep in the van and was woken up at 9am by the locks on the door going apeshit. the electical in the van is starting to have serious issues. i stumbled to the room and was without a pillow or blanket and so i was on the floor with shorts and sleeveless shirt. it was a cold night. i didnt sleep much at all. i would wake up every hour or so. around 11 i decided to just shower and get up. it felt good to just lay around the hotel all day. knights was in the room next to us so it was just a hangout all day.
single now. im not sure how to feel either. i miss her but i dont miss the way i was behaving. i was torturing myself for no reason. i have to control that behavior and grow up. i really have no interest in dating or fucking around with anyone. i'm really just enjoying being on the road and hanging with dudes. i could use some alone time for sure, but this is what it is for now and i am content. I want kimmi to stay in my life. she is far too fucking important to not have around. she knows me better than anyone and i know i can still call her and talk. i am not doing anything differently with her. i still tell her i love her and that i want to see her. all very true. im just not acting like a luntic wondering what she is doing at home because i know she is not going to lie to me. i know that if there was another guy she would tell me. i just really hope that there isn't.
i am unsure what is going to happen at the end of this tour. i want to stay on the road for as long as i can. i want to keep moving up through different bands till i land something that is substantial that will gain me contacts and help me get the ball rolling on some of my ideas. i just have to network, thats really the name of the game. it's all about who you know and how hard you're willing to work to get there. the sacrifices you're willing to make to pursue what you want. (i dont think im sacrificing kimmi, we just needed the space)
let's hope i can keep up with this a little better, i haven't been able to get internet for the last 3 days and i was just lazy when i was home.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
We had been feeling vibrations and a lot of noise emanating from the right front wheel. Turns out we blew the bearings. We stopped a few hours north of Pittsburgh and set to try and fix it ourselves. After we spent all the time getting the wheel off, buying parts, and trying to break the calipers. We found that a few bolts were either too rusted or stripped down to come off. We ended up staying with a mechanic named Don and he was a big help. Today we are getting everything fixed and heading to Vermont. All this van trouble stressed me the fuck out. It strained everyone in the band and put us on edge with one another. It also cost us a show, which means money lost. It's all a pain right now.
I have started keeping a journal. I would like to think of this as a journal, but I am in a van most hours of the day and by the time I get to my computer the thoughts I had, have escaped me. It's been helpful for a few reasons. I can remember my day a lot more, I can write about what is going on inside of my head, which is a mess most of the time anyway. I don't know how much from my journal will make it in here, but I'm sure I'll put some stuff in.
Kimmi and I hit a snag two days ago when she found out about a girl I was with when we were apart. I know it pissed her off but there is nothing I can do. I feel really foolish for not telling her, but then again, we were not together. She did the same thing with Ben, and maybe making her feel so bad about it was not the best move. But I felt at the time that I was putting everything on the line for her and she spit in my face. None of that matters anymore though. There is nothing we can do about the past but learn from it. I don't want to do any back peddling on our progress.
The distance is working for the most part. But since she went to Indy to hang with Aub she has made no time to call me. I am so fucking sick of it being me to call or text. I feel like if she isn't thinking about me than she doesn't want to be with me. I don't want to believe that is true. This is my internal fight all the time. I need constant attention and I'm sorry if that is selfish, but until I get home and start seeing a theripist I don't have any other coping mechanisim. I will be honest and say that I have been drinking more in the evening than I normally do. I really don't have a better way to sleep. I mean, come on, I'm away from home, I miss my girlfriend, I miss my family and friends. I feel disconnected and that people are forgetting (or worse) happy that I am gone. I don't know because I am not there. No one calls me, no one makes the effort to contact me.
I really have huge self esteem issues. That is a monster all to itself. I don't know how to compensate for it and I take it out on those around me. I don't like people challenging my ego or my choices. That is a huge problem. I know I need to change but I lack the devices to do so. I need to work on all these things but man, I really don't know what to do.
Monday, June 1, 2009
I’m getting sick of shows. Especially shows that pay the minium amount for the night and leaves me screwed and out of money for days on end. My will is nearly broken because of the lack of money. I have eaten only shitty pizza and runny eggs for the last 3 days and I would rather be at home miserable in a boring town with a few good friends, kimmi and my family than be here right now.
I’m in full blown panic about what I am going to do when I get home. I don’t have a job, any money, a place to live or any direction. I talked to kimmi at length about this tonight. I have to get back in school this fall. I’m going to hate it, I am going to have to crawl through a lot of shit, but I have to get something under my belt. I am scared to death about my future and what should be done.
I can’t belive myself and how I have screwed myself over. I should have stayed the course with school, I shouldn’t have fucked up with Purdue. I am so miserable and it’s ones fault but mine. I feel that I am at least a little ahead of people my age, I can admit that I have made these mistakes and know where I stand in life. Most people I know do not acknowledge, or worse, even know their short comings. My problem is following through on my promises and having the self esteem to tell myself that I can see it through. Short of going back to school I don’t have any other options besides military service and I don’t think that even they would take me.
I need to get myself checked out for some real psychological issues. I have no self esteem, no trust, no hope. I have tried to deal with these issues myself but I can’t grip it. I’m away from home I worry about what Kimmi is doing, even though I know she wouldn’t fuck around on me I still sit and panic. If someone doesn’t answer their phone I freak out and think that I’m being ignored. I hate that feeling, I hate feeling powerless.
I’m sick of my situation that I have put myself in again and again, but I just don’t know what or how to fix it. Someone needs to stand over me a with a fucking gun and scare me to death and ask me what I want to be and keep tabs on me. But no one is willing anymore, everyone has tried with me and I have fallen too many times.
I need a hand right now and I look up get dirt kicked in my eyes and hit again. I deserve it, dont think that I dont know that.