Greetings from the middle of no where Pennsylvania.
We had been feeling vibrations and a lot of noise emanating from the right front wheel. Turns out we blew the bearings. We stopped a few hours north of Pittsburgh and set to try and fix it ourselves. After we spent all the time getting the wheel off, buying parts, and trying to break the calipers. We found that a few bolts were either too rusted or stripped down to come off. We ended up staying with a mechanic named Don and he was a big help. Today we are getting everything fixed and heading to Vermont. All this van trouble stressed me the fuck out. It strained everyone in the band and put us on edge with one another. It also cost us a show, which means money lost. It's all a pain right now.
I have started keeping a journal. I would like to think of this as a journal, but I am in a van most hours of the day and by the time I get to my computer the thoughts I had, have escaped me. It's been helpful for a few reasons. I can remember my day a lot more, I can write about what is going on inside of my head, which is a mess most of the time anyway. I don't know how much from my journal will make it in here, but I'm sure I'll put some stuff in.
Kimmi and I hit a snag two days ago when she found out about a girl I was with when we were apart. I know it pissed her off but there is nothing I can do. I feel really foolish for not telling her, but then again, we were not together. She did the same thing with Ben, and maybe making her feel so bad about it was not the best move. But I felt at the time that I was putting everything on the line for her and she spit in my face. None of that matters anymore though. There is nothing we can do about the past but learn from it. I don't want to do any back peddling on our progress.
The distance is working for the most part. But since she went to Indy to hang with Aub she has made no time to call me. I am so fucking sick of it being me to call or text. I feel like if she isn't thinking about me than she doesn't want to be with me. I don't want to believe that is true. This is my internal fight all the time. I need constant attention and I'm sorry if that is selfish, but until I get home and start seeing a theripist I don't have any other coping mechanisim. I will be honest and say that I have been drinking more in the evening than I normally do. I really don't have a better way to sleep. I mean, come on, I'm away from home, I miss my girlfriend, I miss my family and friends. I feel disconnected and that people are forgetting (or worse) happy that I am gone. I don't know because I am not there. No one calls me, no one makes the effort to contact me.
I really have huge self esteem issues. That is a monster all to itself. I don't know how to compensate for it and I take it out on those around me. I don't like people challenging my ego or my choices. That is a huge problem. I know I need to change but I lack the devices to do so. I need to work on all these things but man, I really don't know what to do.